The Adventures of Naughty Miss Jones

'cos naughty miss jones knows vibrators. Visit me at

When you’re one of the few singles in a group of loved up ladies, you find yourself consistently subjected to suggestions as to how to land a real life man of your own, regardless of how much you insist it’s not necessary. So when one of my lovely ladies started on about a fantastic new dating app while out on the town last Friday, I knew she wouldn’t let up all night, and instead handed over my phone. “Do your worst” I told her.

For the rest of the evening, multiple friends huddled around my phone, debating the numerous male options and arguing over the content of messages, while I chatted elsewhere. They literally high fived when I got a ‘match’.

And so I woke on Saturday to find 19 new internet boyfriends, multiple strings of (somewhat suggestive) messages, and a profile on tinder. Thanks girls.

For those of you unfamiliar, tinder is a downloadable app, that somehow gets into your Facebook profile and matches you with men nearby. The profiles don’t have much detail; first name, age, photo, facebook friends in common, and how many miles they are away. When they come up, you either hit the green love heart button, or simply flick them on their merry way (literally… you flick).

When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be one of the models who pushed the unsuccessful male contestants in the pool on Man-o-Man. For reasons I’m still grappling with, that awesome show ran only two seasons…. But it seemed, at least for a while, I had found the next best thing. Curious, I thought I would look at this app, and soon found myself flicking like I’d never flicked before. No, no, no, no, oh, he cute, like, no, no, no. A ‘match’ became a little victory, a message an excellent opportunity to get my flirt on.

I literally wasted hours on the bloody thing.

And then, sometime around 2pm Sunday, it dawned on me… This was the most superficial thing I had ever done. Knowing nothing at all about these blokes, I was ‘yes-ing’ or, in most cases, ‘no-ing’ them based purely on one little photo.

Sure, it’s human nature to initially judge a potential match based on appearance, but at least a man you might initially dismiss in a bar has the chance to change your mind and win you over with their wit and charm. These blokes had no such luck.

And so I decided to quit the flick. My thumb is feeling much better. I would, of course, delete the silly thing, only I’ve been messaging one super hottie. He looks like Ryan Gosling. And he’s from the country. And he writes me witty messages about his balls (of the tennis variety). Anyway, I’m sure you understand my dilemma.

So girls, I hope you had your fun… But for now I’m flicking off tinder. If I decide I’m in the mood for a real life man, I’ll look to meet him in, well, real life. Unless of course things work out with Ryan Gosling’s twin, in which case I will be forever grateful.

Naughty Miss Jones xx

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