The Adventures of Naughty Miss Jones

'cos naughty miss jones knows vibrators. Visit me at

I think some men were placed on this earth solely to f**k with my head. Pardon my French.

I don’t want to bore y’all with the details, so here’s the condensed version:

1. cute blonde boy + girl (i.e. me) + flirting + daily penis pics (very nice ones, too) + the emergence of private jokes etc. = one happy Me

2. one happy Me – one text ‘Bye Missy, I’m sorry, my head is all over the shop. God you’re gorgeous’ + 0 (nothing, nada, zilch) = a confused, and slightly hurt Me

So anyway, that happened. And it lead me to the conclusion that (some) Men-Are-Batshit-Crazy.

There I was, contemplating my new found theory when an email popped up from a long time male friend, Benny. It started with the Re: “And girls wonder why guys think they are crazy!!”
All very fitting given the conundrum I had so recently found myself. I read on with interest…

Now, I must preface the story set out in Benny’s email with a quick description of the man himself. He is a great bloke. Gentlemanly. Successful. Quite Easy on the Eye. I shared a very drunken pash with him once and, while I can’t remember the event too well, no complaint there. So you’d think Benny would have no trouble finding a quality woman… turns out, like me, he has just been dealing with a mighty big case of the bat shit crazies…

The email went on to tell Ben’s story of meeting a blonde, amazing figured, fake boobed women at a coffee shop; His Words “The conversation flowed really well, so much so that we stayed talking after we both had our coffees”.

About 6 months later he ran into her again at the same coffee shop. His Words; “Again the conversation was flowing smoothly… When I enquired what had she been up to, all the responses revolved around doing things with the girls or clearly stating that she did things by herself… Before I could ask her for her number she told me to look her up on Facebook….”
A round of Facebook stalking later and Benny was smitten. His Words: “How could such an amazing looking girl (except the fake boobs, not really my thing) still be single and making it so easy for me to take her out? How wrong I was….”
Da da dum – cue dramatic music
His Words: “On Tuesday evening I received a message that completely shocked me.. Madam X (btw, nice nickname Benny, very mysterious sounding ;)) “Firstly I really wanted to say how nice a guy you are and how glad I was to meet you. However I will not be able to go out with you on Friday night as I have just got back with my ex-boyfriend….” To which I replied“Sure no problem, good luck with the boyfriend.”

Benny’s email went on… cue more dramatic music

His Words: Cruising through my newsfeed on Facebook the following afternoon I noticed a post from madam X, “Madam X is now engaged”. What the hell?! Was my first reaction. Curiosity got the best of me and I couldn’t help myself but read the dozen comments that had been post by her ‘friends’. What came next was bizarre, comments included ‘wow – I didn’t even know you were in a relationship’ It took approximately a dozen messages until I read a message that wished her congratulations – now that is really weird!

By the following day this was eating at me and I couldn’t help make a comment. Benny: “So it looks like congratulations are in order! Hope it all works out for you. Geez you move fast!” She responded “Thank you! Yes I know, it’s all a bit of a shock to me too. My ex showed up on my door yesterday and professed his love for me, told me how much he missed me and didn’t realise how good he had it previously and proposed. I’m really sorry to have messed you around, I was really looking forward to our date.”

But Benny’s story wasn’t over yet! Let’s pick up the pace of that dramatic music!

His Words: The following Monday week I was winding down after playing touch footy after work, lying in bed scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed killing time reading the usual useless comments when I received a private message from Madam X: “Hi how are you, what are you up too??” Benny “I’m good thanks, just got into bed, winding down after footy about to go to sleep cos I’m up early for work tomorrow” Madam X “Oh, wish I was there…”
I was completely taken back that an engaged woman would say such a flirtatious line… Girls that aren’t single aren’t my thing so I replied: “I don’t think an engaged girl should be sending messages like that, let alone to a someone she has such recent history with”
So it continues… Madam X “Yea well about that.. I’m not engaged anymore”
Face drops – WTF!?!?!? Benny: “Really???? What happened?
Madam X “I realised that he was not what I wanted, I didn’t realise until all my friends were asking me what was I doing that I remembered how unhappy I was when I was with him. So I called it off… So I’m really regretting not going to dinner with you that Friday night. I wish I had said no to him straight away and went out with you. That’s what I wanted to do in my heart”
Oh my god is she serious??? It takes a while for this to sink in, I can’t believe she is saying this. I get another message:
Madam X “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Or have I blown it completely?”
Still in state of shock that she is saying all this, I eventually send back:
Benny “I think its best you spend some time on your own, I don’t feel like it’s a good idea for me to be getting involved with you right now. Sorry I hope you understand.”
Madam X “Yea I do, maybe we can catch up for a coffee sometime in the future”

Wholly shit, she is still trying…

Yes, Benny, it appears she is still trying. And that, I can only theorise, is cos like my blonde penis-pic man, old ‘amazing figure fake boobs’ is bat-shit crazy.

While I’m sorry you had to go through that, I do want to thank you for sharing your story with me; it’s somewhat comforting to know men go through the same drama’s as us women folk in sorting the quality from the bat-shit-crazy head f**ks.
And, dear Benny, I’m sure a quality one is just round the corner for you. Until then, you, lucky boy, have a mighty big package of lube coming your way.

If anyone else out there has a story or idea they think is blog-worthy, I would love to hear it. I assure you if published, you will be rewarded with free product too.

Naughty Miss Jones xx

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