Sometimes, I feel like superman. Actually, not so much superman, but more super-lawyer-sex-toy-merchant. Bloody hell that would look good on the cover of a comic book!
Anyway, so most days I come home from work in the evening and go through a lightning fast conversion from my day time persona, as a suit wearing, serious sounding lawyer, into my other persona of Naughty Miss Jones. Physically, this involves taking my hair out, removing my glasses, kicking off the heels, taking off my bra (not cos I’m trying to be sexy, just cos how good does it feel to take off your bra?) and, usually, pouring myself a glass of red.
Taking on these duel personas has certainly proven difficult at times. But using my superpowers (also known as my quick wit and ability to make uncomfortable situations comfortable using humour) I’m pretty confident I have overcome these difficulties well.
Let me take you through some recent examples…
The Whip – I had a whip on the floor of the front seat of my car recently. No, given my vocation, I do not feel the need to justify that statement.
Being such an excellent lawyer, I often volunteer to accommodate my clients by collecting documents, or meeting them in a more convenient locations for meetings. The other week, I offered to collect some documents from my client’s place on my way home from work. As would normally occur, I was expecting to get out of my car, go to the front door, be handed the documents, have a quick chat about their contents, and leave. Instead, when I arrived I discovered the documents actually amounted to two large boxes, so my client volunteered to help carry them out to my Micra.
When she got there, I saw her open the passenger side door, and a look of shock register on her face. The whip. My client had seen the bloody whip. At the time, I pretended I hadn’t noticed the incident, made a quick promise to report back the following day, and got the hell out of there.
But the next time she was lamenting on what an ‘asshole’ the bloke on the other side was, I saw my opportunity “Don’t worry” I assured her “We will get him; I’ve got a thing or two up my sleeve to whip (emphasis added) him into submission in the witness box“. And you know what, the prim and proper client actually giggled. Points to super-lawyer/sex-toy-merchant!
The QC – in the legal world, QC’s (or Queens Counsel) are pretty bloody important. Just to prove that fact, they charge, like, $12,000 a day, so as a lawyer you know you have to show them a lot of respect and treat their time wisely. Recently, I was on a phone call to one such bloody important QC. I told him a fact I had learned about a key player in our opposition, to which he responded “Yes, young lady, I’m aware. You see, I google everyone I deal with, and it’s amazing what you will find out sometimes…”. While the content of his statement remained professional, by the tone in his voice, he may as well have been screaming “And, I know all about your dirty little secret…” .
The next day, I was talking him through what I had done to advance the case, and he commented to me “My, you have been busy, well done“. “Thanks” I responded quickly “You see, to make it in this world, a girls got to know how to multi task“. And, while my words remained professional, I’m pretty sure the old boy got what I was really saying by the tone in my voice, i.e. “So I’ll sell sex toys if I damn well want too”
The Multi-tasker – I had an affidavit due. I also had received in the post that day some samples of scratch-and-sniff pasties which I was super excited to try. So what does a girl do with a conundrum like this?
Yep, while my client will never know it, his super important, millions-resting-on-it evidence was settled by me, in my home, while topless with little strawberries stuck to my nips. In case you’re wondering, they smelt kinda weird, were itchy, and I have decided not to stock them.
The Stress Relief – Law, and in particular litigation (which I practice), is super dooper stressful. Many statistics show 95% of young lawyers and, in particular women, burn out at about the 4 or 5 year mark and leave the profession. (I made that stat up, but it is a high number).
I’m nine years in.
To be honest, I often wonder how I’ve gotten this far, being a sensitive soul working in a profession that’s based on being mean to each other, with very high stakes usually involved, and with the stress usually causing to me to break down in tears at least once per week.
Orgasms relieve stress: FACT. If it wasn’t for the content of my bottom drawer, I dare say I wouldn’t have gotten this far.
If the Law Society of NSW ever did anything to acknowledge our achievement in surviving in this cut throat world and handed out awards, I’d be sure to thank old Mr Pinky and sparkles in my acceptance speech.
So, that’s my life. It can be challenging, scary, demanding and exhausting, but it’s mine and I am super proud of what I had achieved. I’m also seriously considering sending my personal diary to some comic books companies… (which also means I would get to go to Comicon like they did in Entourage and how cool would that be?)
Naughty Miss Jones