I think I overdosed on men over summer. And like with most overdoses, it hasn’t left me in good shape; I have a bruised heart, a battered ego and a wine cabinet with nothing left except the one bottle of passion pop I keep just in case I ever have a sudden urge to revisit my misspent youth.
So I have self prescribed a dating detox. No men[i], no dating and only the bare minimum of flirty texts for 30 whole days.
Geeze it’s going to be hard.
But at least this hiatus is giving me time to do other things I enjoy; yesterday I went cute underwear shopping, my friends and I are starting a board game club (it’s ok guys, membership will be open to all), I’ve signed up for a Turkish cooking course with one of my favorite ladies and I’ve had plenty of time to research my other favorite topic. Sex toys. And, more specifically, the new and exciting products emerging in the industry which it would be rude of me not to at least try (all in the name of market research of course). Let me share some with you now:
1. Third level orgasm vibrator – I’m pretty sure I had one third level orgasm in 2003, but I can’t be definite. I’m certainly more than willing to try again. Anyway, the sex toy goddess herself, Ann Summers, has released a new toy which promises to be
“designed by medical experts to take you to the third level of orgasm,”
And as you know, if it’s designed by experts of the medical variety, it must work. At least that’s how I justified it to myself when I forked out the exuberant shipping fee (the products aren’t available in Australia yet but, if this mysterious third level is indeed reached, I will certainly see what I can do about that!).
Here’s a link to an article about these products from Mamamia if you want to know more:
2. Wake up vibe – this has been in my product repertoire for ages now, and is one of my best sellers. Basically, you set an alarm (worn on a rubber band around your wrist), slip the thingy down your undies, and are awoken by good vibrations. The link is here:
How could you have a bad day after a wake-up call like that?
3. Mould a vagina – you all know about the mould-a-cock kit from my retelling of getting down and silicon-y with Jimmy’s man bits. These have been flying off the shelves lately, so it looks like lots of ladies will get to have their own fun moulding experience cum valentine’s day this year. (Yes, I did that intentionally). If you want one for your lady, here is the link…
But did you know they also make a mould a vagina kit? I don’t know whether I’ll stock them, given I target everyday women, but I’m certainly willing to give it a crack. (Yes, I did that intentionally too).
The moulded cock was so bloody realistic you could see veins on the thing, so I’m very intrigued to see how the lady bits equivalent will turn out (and what an excellent Valentines gift it would make…. if only I had someone to gift it too…. bloody detox… ).
4. The Jawbreaker Gag – cos who wouldn’t want to combine their favorite candy with a bondage toy? Yes people, this is an actual thing.
5. Thumb Cuffs – handcuffs are, like, so 2013. These days, it’s all about the thumb cuffs baby. When you think about it, restricting the movement via binding the thumbs would work just as well as binding the wrists, with the added bonus of the device in question being able to slip inside your wallet!
Bondage on the go? Sold!
6. The Cupcake – I stock sex toys shaped like rockets, octopus, rubber duckies and waves. But a sex toy shaped like a sweet treat? I’m interested… tell me more.
Alas, evidently, this looks-good-enough-to-eat toy doesn’t actually do much. I read a number of reviews (as I always do before getting in a sample) and many testers complained the motor was so far from the ‘cherry’ it did little. As one reviewer put it “If you know someone who loves baking and hates orgasms, this would be the perfect gift”
Sorry folks, it doesn’t seem the cupcake will be added to the Naughty Miss Jones product list.
But with the third level orgasm creator, the wake up-vibe, the mould a vagina and the thumbcuffs to try (yes, I intentionally left the jawbreaker gag off the list), who needs men?
Aghh, who am I kidding…. it’s going to be one long month : ( …. If only there was a two day juice cleanse for the heart.
Naughty Miss Jones xx
[i] Except if Dr Chris Brown wants to finally accept my date invitation. Then all bets are off people.