Last year I dated 21 boys. For making that possible, I would like to thank the Golden Sheaf Hotel, my sucker-innerer undies, and tinder.
Most were lovely, but un-blog-worthy, one had the unfortunate role of being my rebounder who I dated for a couple of months, but simply couldn’t bump uglies with, another told me (and I quote) “You’re a bit chubbier than I thought you would be, but I guess you have a nice face” (winner winner!!) and the most recent I’ve decided should remain as a summer fling. Of the remainder, only two really caught my attention; one is now a mate, the other being the disaster that was textual cheese induced word vomit (see my first entry from October).
The upshot being….. I’m starting 2014 with a completely clean dating slate. Gentlemen, please form an orderly queue.
This year, I’m still dating for fun, of course, but also for a purpose. So I decided to enlist some help and invested $10 in this book “The Art of Dating” from theiconic.com.au (being a reprint from a series of 1930’s and 40’s booklets), to let the wisdom of times gone by provide me with some guidance.
And lucky I invested that ten bucks, cos apparently I’ve been doing it all wrong…
Some of the lessons I learned from the old school dating wisdom:
- “The girl who picks up a strange fellow… in a place of amusement is acting cheap and will be treated as if they were“. Right, so no more making eyes at a cute boy across the bar and cheekily suggesting he buy me a drink. Got it.
- Instead, to get a date, I have to let them come to me, remembering “Girls who have refinement and culture… are more attractive than the endowed, boisterous, extravagantly dressed prima donna“. While I’m certainly no prima donna, I am endowed (and had, silly me, thought until I read this book that my ‘endowments’ were a big, round bonus in attracting a mate). Also, I wouldn’t really describe myself as refined per se, given I can’t get through a day without spilling food on my clothes and ‘bugger’ is up there with ‘vibrator’ for the most used word in my vocabulary. Hmmm… This could cause problems.
- “You will be more acceptable if you say too little rather than too much”. Right, well I certainly learned that lesson from the aforementioned textual cheese incident. Noted. From now on in, my Britney Spears references will be kept to an absolute minimum.
- I’m a big fan of pashing. Huge…. Massive…. Nothing gets me more excited than a lip-tingling, boobie grazing, hands being run through hair make-out session. But according to this book, anything further than a brief kiss is a big no-no and…”Young people pet because they haven’t anything else to do… An interest must be developed in something they can both share. The Readers Digest will furnish one with sufficient topics to develop into interesting conversations” …*grimaces*… Great!
- And drinking? (another of my favorite past times and, to be truthful, the usual precurser to the pash session I so eloquently described above). Another BIG no no. “The Better Class of people will respect you all the more highly for abstaining. If your popularity is dependent upon alcohol, it is indeed a very questionable popularity“. Right, no more West Coast Coolers for this little sex toy merchant.
- But don’t worry, the book tells me what I do need to do to be popular, and it’s to be the girl that is “buoyant with life and enjoys living; the dance of some gay sunbeam“… (whatever the F**k that means).
So, in summary, this year instead of being my usual charming, smart arse self, it appears I need to approach the dating scene (with my boobies covered) as a refined and cultured young woman. Once a young man approaches (obviously lured by the whole refined thing), I will not accept his offer of a drink, but will instead dance around as a gay sunbeam, speaking only minimally. And then, when he goes in for the pash, I’ll just pull out my trust copy of the Readers Digest….
Not… Bloody… Likely
Last year, I was picked up at a bar by a gentleman brandishing the following line “I want to buy you a drink, cos of all the girls in this place, I have seen you laugh the most“. It was awesome. And it made me realise that, sure, while some guys prefer the demure, refined types, there are other boys who are all for an adventurous, funny, lawyer/ sex toy merchant types (who also happen to enjoy a west coast cooler followed by a kiss or two). And, I figure, those are the boys more likely to provide the blog worthy adventures anyway… Thanks for the tips 1940’s, but no thanks.
Naughty Miss Jones xx