The Adventures of Naughty Miss Jones

'cos naughty miss jones knows vibrators. Visit me at

Apparently it’s not normal for an educated young woman from the suburbs to go into the sex toy business. I know this because when I, as an educated young woman from the suburbs, tell people what I do, they tend to look shocked, expressing their surprise with statements such as “How on earth did you get into that?” and “Ha ha, don’t be a dickhead”.

But what these people don’t realize is this naughty sense of adventure is in my blood. Pretty sure it was my destiny. See, while mum and dad may be a teacher and a lawyer, there is someone else in my life who has passed on these traits. Which brings me to the subject of this weeks entry…

My Grandpa. The absolute legend. Naughtiness skips a generation, it seems.

Anyway, my Grandpa has lived a life so varied, so exciting and with such a large dash of the risqué that it’s a life worthy of a movie.

In his 93 years, he has:

  1. been an engineer (now that’s the boring stuff out of the way);
  2. was in the navy in WW2, and dodged death on a number of occasions. He also seduced women from every country he visited, and claims to be the muse behind the saying ‘girl in every port’;
  3. been a professional wrestler in Singapore who used to come out in half a kangaroo suit. Yep, really…
  4. owned a wine and cider bar in Sydney’s Surry Hills, which he purchased off the one and only Tilly Devine;
  5. was an actor. He even has his own page on some entertainment directory you can ‘like’ on facebook (so far he has two fans. Me and my brother).
  6. finally, he owned an escort agency. Ah ha, you read that correctly. Old Grandpa Jones was a pimp, owning an agency called ‘Baroness’, with many  left over match books to prove it…. So that’s where I get it from

It’s an impressive list, no?

In recent years I have taken to visiting him regularly on my own, figuring anyone with such life experience could provide me with some wisdom as I established my ‘naughty’ business and ventured through life (and, of course, I love the old bugger to bits). Sometimes I get extra lucky and pop in when Cathy, one of his oldest friends, is also visiting (she used to be a dominatrix on Grandpa’s books. Now she pops round for a chat with a dish of tripe. Very normal kind of friendship, really).

And wisdom he has indeed provided.

Following a break-up with a boy my grandpa had gotten to know quite well, he didn’t offer me a shoulder to cry on nor try and soothe me with the usual ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ style annoyingness, instead he looked me square in the eye and told me “Well, he must be an idiot then. But a lot of men are idiots” (so true Grandpa, so friggen true).

When I declined his offer of some chocolates recently, claiming I “needed to lose some weight” instead of insisting “No, you look fine” as most people would under the guise of common decency, he instead said to me “Yep, I had noticed that“. Thanks Grandpa.

And in recent years, when I talked in a general sense of being tired of being an employee, and my desire to start doing something for myself, instead of telling me to be sure, to calculate the risks and be wary of throwing my life savings at a business , he offered this piece of advice “If I hear you say that one more time…. One day you’re going to get old too. Just hurry up and do it

Which I did. Thanks Grandpa

My little side project isn’t something I discuss with my immediate family when I visit (not that they would really care but, you know, discussing dildo’s with dad just doesn’t appeal). I still keep the door to Naughty Miss Jones HQ shut whenever mum and dad pop in, and so far my (very handsome for an older man) Dad has escaped a request to be Hottie of the Week on my facebook page.

But I think it’s about time I told Grandpa. Because, as the man who passed on this sense of adventure, as someone who has always encouraged me just to live life and not think too much of the consequences, and as someone who is living proof sex still sells, I have a feeling he would be bloody proud.

Naughty Miss Jones xx

2 thoughts on “Chip Off The Naughty Old Block

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