Don’t tell anyone, but I kind of have a dirty mind, and a slight obsession with sex toys. Guilty. So when one of my girlfriends has a story that combines dirtiness with toys, you know it’s one I’ll make her repeat over and over. This week, one of my favorite ladies, who is choosing to go by the pen name “Lola Driver” (she thought of that herself) has agreed to share such a story with you all too, via my blog. It’s dirty, it involves sex toys and it, importantly, has a very important underlying moral. NMJ
Many moons ago I was in my first ‘proper’ relationship. You know that one where you’re absolutely positive that – even though you are 20 years old and you haven’t decided on a career, your friends don’t like him and he’s always subtlety hinting you should lose weight (and you were bloody skinny when you were 20!) – you are madly in love with the person you’re sure you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Yeah yeah, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Now this guy and I had a fantastic sex life. As you do when you are 20 and madly in love. We shagged often and for Russia. Ten minutes till dinner? Quickie! Middle of a movie? Press pause! Half way to the snow? Pull over, open up the back of the station wagon and get at it! We were young and adventurous and so it wasn’t a surprise when one night he whispered into my ear – ‘Would you like to play with some toys?’
‘Oooo excitement!’ thought I. ‘A trip to a sex shop!, how fun!’
I’d never been and was excited to discover what wares they might have on offer. I looked forward to that visit, maybe on the weekend in a few days time.
Instead, Mr. Super Keen jumped out of bed then and there! ‘Oh wow, he’s serious!’ thought I. ‘We’re off to an all night sex shop right now!!’
But then, to my surprise, he reached up and opened the top of his wardrobe. He fumbled around in the dark. After a while he exclaimed ‘got it!’ and eagerly jumped back into bed. Suddenly, I felt a hard, rubbery something touch my bare breast. ‘Oh dear’, thought I. I reached over and turned on the light. There next to me on the bed, was one very happy idiot and one very large purple vibrator.
Had he already visited the sex shop, 99% sure I’d be into the idea and made a purchase, ready to spice up or sex life?
Alas, I knew immediately that was not the case. There would have been packaging. It would not have been purple because he knew I did not like the colour purple. So I looked at him. And I said the horrible thought that my mind was quickly concluding: ‘Um….did you already use this? With someone else? Like your ex girlfriend?’
His face dropped immediately. He knew what had gone wrong here. He knew as soon as I said it. I knew he wished he’d thought of it before this moment. I still confirmed his worst fear in that moment – ‘Babe, I can’t put that near me if it has been near another girl!’ And his response ‘Ok. But I did wash it.’
The used purple vibrator went straight into the bin and a few days later we did visit a sex shop where we bought a lovely new pink vibrator that had been nowhere near anyone’s ex-girlfriend. We also bought some mags and lube and a porno with a storyline (which I insisted on at the time but have since gotten over the need for such an unnecessary feature in my porn!) and I’ve been forever grateful for that interesting introduction to the world of sex toys. I only hope that he learnt from that experience and pinky went into the bin after we broke up, and didn’t get introduced to his next girlfriend…..
So, as you see, my dirty mind is clearly shared amongst my nearest and dearest. Company you keep and all that. And the moral to this tale (in case it wasn’t already obvious): fellas, sex toys should not be recycled! New partner = new toy, and not just cos it will help with my sales.
Happy Vibing (with your own toys!)
Naughty Miss Jones xx