I was patiently waiting for my low fat ricotta at the Coles deli counter when I got that ill-fated text. It read, simply, “now”. And so I switched on my vibrating panties. What happened next was nothing short of mortifying…
But let me start at the start.
I don’t like to sell products I don’t believe work. I product test. Quite often if you must know. So when I decided to expand my range to include Black Rose Secret Garden Vibrating Panties (http://www.naughtymissjones.com.au/black-rose-secret-garden-vibrating-panty/), I knew it was my duty to test them out. Gee I love my job.
But in the spirit of adventure, and to really test these suckers out in a variety of circumstances, I decided to make this particular product a little game. I would wear the panties for an entire day, switching them on 4 times for a period of ten minutes each time. To ensure those times didn’t always coincide with me sitting on the couch watching the new series of Girls, I enlisted a buddy, telling him “On Sunday, I want you to send me a message with just the word ‘now’ at four times throughout the day“. “Ok” he agreed, knowing me well enough to appreciate it’s better simply not to ask questions.
And so the challenge was set. This was going to be one fun Sunday.
First Buzz – turns out my buddy wakes up earlier than I, and my first ‘now’ text woke me up. And so I quickly got out of bed, tied the sexy purple satin sides (so one size fits all!) on the panties, switched them on, and got back in bed for a very enjoyable wake up. The panties operate via a removable bullet which, given it’s size, packs a punch. In order to hit the spot I did have to fidget a little, but once I did the completely hands free buzz was a very welcome addition to my morning.
Second Buzz – I had been to brunch with a girlfriend and literally had just opened my car door to head home when the second ‘now’ came through. The vibration of the panties combined with the natural vibration of my little Micra was pretty bloody amazing, and, truth be told, I had to pull into a quiet cul-de-sac to stop me crashing on that (very enjoyable) journey home.
Third Buzz -I love to cook, and often spend Sunday afternoons creating new soups and stews to enjoy in the coming week. I was doing just that when the third text came through. So I decided to get my sexy on, took off all my clothing (except for the panties, obviously) switched on the little bullet, and continued cooking. Albeit sexy style.
Fourth Buzz – Yep, this was the one when I was at Coles. And, yep, what occurred was slightly mortifying. So after the text came through I had to figure out how to switch them on without subjecting myself to a public indecency charge. Cue a sneaky maneuver up against the potato display where I pretended I was getting something out of my bag. Pure genius on my part.
Anyway, I put it down to my morning brain fug, traffic noise, and my ‘cooking’ playlist, but I hadn’t realized before these things were not exactly silent. Not loud, either, but apparently detectable when standing amongst my fellow grocery shoppers in the fresh fruit and veg section. Or maybe it wasn’t the noise, but simply the strange look of mortification on my face. Or my slightly buckling knees. Or the fact that I was, you know, standing in the middle of Coles wearing a product designed for sexual pleasure.
Whatever it was, people started to look. I tried to act natural, even getting my phone out of my bag and pretending to be all super-cool-I’m-just responding-to-a-text. But still they looked. So I decided to get the hell out of there.
Abandoning my shopping basket, including the low fat ricotta, I literally ran past customers out of the store, buzzing all the way.
Now, you know those sexy purple satin sides I told you about before? The ones that would be perfect for playfully untying mid-nookie session? Well, turns out they aren’t so good at withholding a maxi-wearing-crazy-woman dash through the car park at Coles. Cos the little buggers untied, and fell to the ground. Making a distinctly un-fabric like thud as they hit the pavement. Cue more stares. I think I saw a mum covering her kids eyes and everything. To say I was embarrassed…
Of course, I didn’t just leave them there! As I said before, that little bullet packs a punch and I’m never one to waste a perfectly good orgasm creator…
But I did leave Coles that day without my dignity, or my shopping.
I do believe this product would be a great addition to nookie time, I imagine opening the door in nothing but these sexy little numbers with a strange look of pleasure on your face would have a certain effect.
But I do not, alas, believe these products are a good addition to your Sunday afternoon grocery shopping. As I learnt the hard way.
Maybe I’ll contact the manufacturers so they can put a warning on the box.
Naughty Miss Jones xx