Brrr outside its getting cold; time to go a huntin’ for someone warm to hold!
Being single in winter, well, it kind of sucks. As all one’s loved-up friends retreat into the loved-up winter wonderlands full of blankets, snuggles, and marshmallows roasted over a roaring fire (that’s exactly what’s its like, right?), a single lass often finds herself alone in a cold ol’ house, shivering under a blanket, and getting cranky at her dog for moving off her lap and thereby removing the only source of external heat. Ok, it’s not that bad, but you get my drift.
Generally, I quite enjoy being single. I do what I want, I eat what I want, and I haven’t been subjected to an action movie in months. But over winter, those cold, dark nights, it would be nice to have a human hot water bottle. The roasting of marshmallows just isn’t as fun when done solo. But how does one acquire a boyfriend for the winter months? If I was going to advertise, it would go something a bit like this:
An exciting opportunity awaits for the right candidate at Naughty Miss Jones HQ. This part-time, 6 month fixed term contract will offer a plethora of benefits for the successful applicant. The role will be fixed at two days a week, one mid-week and one weekend shift. The successful candidate will be flexible (literally), passionate, and have an excellent track record in the area of cuddles. Acting in (very) close proximity to our founder and chief viber, this role is full of challenges; watching girly movies without complaining, tolerating the female form in all its winter glory, and ensuring our company dog is properly attired before its evening walk (in which you will be required to participate). Language skills and cultural fit within our company are an absolute must; suggestions of watching football are in breach of company policy and will not be tolerated, suggestions of pouring ‘another glass of red?’ will be applauded and may result in the provision of additional benefits.
Applicants interested in this exciting and varied role should submit a cover letter, two written references, and a picture (dick pics are both acceptable and encouraged) to Naughty Miss Jones via the ‘contact us’ section of our website at http://www.naughtymissjones.com.au
Applications close 1 June 2015.
Maybe for next weeks post, just for shits and giggles, I’ll post this somewhere and reproduce the best responses. Heck, it might even land me that human hot water bottle I’m after too.