The Adventures of Naughty Miss Jones

'cos naughty miss jones knows vibrators. Visit me at

I’m shivering as I write this. It’s cold and I’m wet. I kinda smell weird, too.

Bloody single life.

I know as a single lady we are meant to be all “the shoes on my feet, I bought em'”/ girl power/ insert other Beyoncé-esque reference here, but sometimes, well, it just gets too much. People are probably going to hate me for saying this, but my cold, wetness has drowned out my filter, so I’m going to say it anyway. Sometimes a girl needs a man.

Like right now. I paid extra for a two year warranty on my washing machine, so figured when it went bust I’d be able to get a little help. Apparently not. “Its a blockage in your hose” I was told “You will need to unblock it yourself, I could send someone round but that’s not covered by the warranty, so you will have to pay $130“. Great. Well, dear lady on the other end of the Electrolux helpline, apparently I cannot unblock it myself. I can try. I can get myself very cold and wet and smelly in the process. But unblocking? Nope. Do I get a discount for figuring out where the hell the hose was? No, right, well thanks for your help anyway.

I’ve been looking to buy a home. Week after week I rock up at the auctions, all bright-eyed and enthusiastic, mentally deciding what wall paper I’ll put on my new bedroom wall, only to end up approximately $200,000 short of the selling price, which price, inevitably, is offered by a couple. Bloody duel income.

And in saving up for that home, I’ve been cutting back on my dinners out and after work activities, meaning I’m often home alone, with no one to keep my warm, nor split the electricity bill with. That’s before I retreat to my dark bedroom, which has been lit only by a lamp for the last 6 months, cos I’m too bloody short to reach up and change the light bulb. Awesome.

I hate to be whinger, I really do, and of course I know how lucky I am. But, well, in the cold and dark and wet and smelly, I just ain’t feeling too lucky of late.

So ladies, if anyone out there could spare their man, just for an afternoon, I promise to keep the vibrators away and use him only for other kind of handy pursuits, like un-blocking my hose. I totally get the sexual innuendo I could use from that line for your entertainment, but I’m just too cold and wet to bother.

Naughty Miss Jones

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