This morning, my nail lady, Tina*, tried to talk me out of getting my nails a lovely shade of midnight blue. “No, missy” she said “You look for man, you need red”. “Oh” I responded “Is that cos red is lucky?” (look at me all up on my Asian cultural references).“No” she responded “red sexy. Man not like you with strange blue nail”.
After much convincing, I’m now typing this entry with my nails sporting the blue I originally wanted. Not cos I don’t trust Tina, got girl my back, but because I am aware my soul mate is just around the corner, regardless of the nail color I choose. I know, cos last weekend, I went and visited a psychic.
[insert mysterious music and clouds of mist here]
It was one of my favorite ladies birthdays this weekend past, and as a special birthday treat, I arranged for us to go get a reading together.
From the outset, this psychic bloke had my dear friend’s life mapped out for her. Her Italian born, Viking-resembling, big familied, business owning bloke was just around the corner. She would have two, maybe three children, and settle in Hunters Hill (though she would have a second home in Italy, of course, cos no life is complete without a second home in Italy). She would stay in her current position for precisely 5 years, before moving to a new, more creative role in the CBD, likely fueled by the love and support of Mr. Italy big-bucks to try something new. Sounds pretty peachy to me.
Then it was my turn.
“I wouldn’t normally say this” he begun “but I’m feeling something sexual energy-wise with you. Your soulmate is coming, and there are 2 options, one from within the sex industry (but not your typical man from within the industry, he’s a good guy), or a very wealthy man, with a law degree, but who works in the finance industry” (oh, oh I pick Mr. Wealthy please!). “You will, together with your partner, open a sex-shop in Newtown. But you won’t find him on tinder, more likely off-line. Or if online, try e-harmony” (yeah, he said that. I’m presuming boy gets some kickbacks) “You will also keep going with your other career, law, and are very secure in that role.
Now, before you ask, yes, My Psychic did indeed google me before the session. I know cos I asked.
But I’m choosing not to focus on that. Kind of takes the fun out of it really.
Instead, I’m focusing on the excitement around the corner. A wealthy soulmate! A retail space for Naughty Miss Jones! No more tinder weirdos!
I’ll be sure to keep y’all updated on the adventures me and soulie (aww, see, I’m already giving him cutesy nicknames) are sure to have, and will certainly extend an invite to the launch of my shop.
And, for now, I’ll be keeping my nails blue.
Naughty Miss Jones xx
*not her real name, probably